Welp, I'm lost.

I keep sitting here, digging through old emails, pictures and would-be-amazing-songs-someday, wailing into the deep hollow chasm in my heart expecting to hear my father call back up at me with his infinite words of wisdom. But all I'm getting are the distant echoes of my own anguished voice, sobbing into puddles.

He always had an answer for everything, my father. And it always made sense, even if I didn't particularly want to hear what he was telling me. Even now, as I sink into my headphones to one f his latest songs, his words and his voice comfort me ...

A whisper comes across the water
says to me, "Come away from foreign lands"
A power pours over my being
Wearing down castles made in the sand
I have wandered to a rocky place
for reasons I must say aren't very clear
You have set Your face to find me
And at this moment I sense You are near
So I pray by Your grace You will hear my heart cry

Spirit making waves upon my shore
I am breaking, come and break me more
Truth has pounded through the longest darkness
Grown from ripples to a roar
And finally I am waking
Come and wake me more

Underneath the waves of mercy
You buried me one desperate younger day
Up from the waters to a new land
Setting my destiny on its way
But transformation is a journey
And parts of me have yet to be fully changed
And once again I am seeing
Another place I have been selfish and vain
So I'm asking more of You to reign within me 

And should tomorrow I forget You
Please place an anchor on this day
When with clarity I prayed
You would break me till I'm made
in the image of Your Son

But this sorrow is not for him. I've thought far too many times within this last year that he will only ever have peace and happiness as he was intended to have when he meets Jesus face to face. And that is true for all of us. Sin and selfishness will never allow us to live as we were created to on earth. I'm not going to say that my father's work was done. My heart is still too tender to come to that resolution. I feel that I still have many things to learn from him.

On the morning he died, I awoke with an uneasiness and immediately said a prayer for him. "Heal him, Lord." That prayer did not go unanswered. After I prayed that, I felt sick and pleaded with God "Surely, there is more for him to do ... surely there is more we can all learn from him ..." And then the phone rang. I remember thinking, as listened to the choked voice of my baby brother on the other end, "Yes ... of course. I knew ..." You think and say a lot of silly and ridiculous things when you receive a shock as great as this, especially within the first several seconds.

To Greg I said completely calm, "It's you ..." as he held me in our tiny hallway. What I meant was that he was all I had left in the world, which I had to later explain.

I sat down in our living room and thought "What an annoyingly bright day ..." which was true. This entire winter has been dreary and dull, but for whatever reason it was unusually beautiful for those first several days.

I looked at my dog and thought, in sorrow, "You outlived my father."

Before I even started to cry, I spent 30 minutes talking to my dad. I mostly apologized for not being there, for taking advantage of him, for being so hard on him when I commentated his last worship song ... I told him he was not a has-been, he was not washed-up and that he was and is my greatest hero. As I spoke, I kept looking over at God, making sure it was ok to even address my father like this as if to say, "Is this ok? I just want to talk to him."

I was instructed by a friend to talk about him, often. So I have been. I've been keeping a journal of this strange and mysterious experience. I like to think of myself as a student of emotions and of the human Journey. I keep stepping back and looking at this whole mess with a scientific eye, as though that will help me to better understand God's Will. But all I'm achieving is a better understanding of myself. And, as my aunt Debbie put it, I'm just a stupid human.

So what would my father say to all of this? I keep freaking out about my future and the obstacles he won't be there to help me conquer. But in my heart, beyond the chasm, I know what he would say anyway.

My sorrow is for myself, my joy is for you ...